Holy Odin’s Wrath! It seems as if everyone is getting Norsefever, and it appears to be in the form of a second season renewal. If you’re reading this, you’ve also been infected (was I supposed to warn you about that? Oops!). Is your hair looking a little lighter lately? Are you waking up covered in blood with your mane done in ornate braids? Regardless of your gender, are you growing a beard? Do you have an intense craving for drinking alcoholic honey water? Yes? It’s just too late for you, then. There isn’t anything to be done. Don’t worry, I’m there with you. We all are, but you shouldn’t want to be anywhere else. This is the best company you could ask for.

It’s Monday morning.

It’s Viking time.

Last week, we had an amazingly intense episode. Earl Haraldson’s (Gabriel Byrne) obsession with Ragnar (Travis Fimmel) gets continuously creepier and more intense than any Odin-sanctioned restraining order could handle. You may not have thought that was possible, but alas, Earl has handled Ragnar’s popularity really poorly; instead of talking about his feelings, he decides to burn Ragnar’s village to the ground and kill his family. Miraculously, Lagertha (Katheryn Winnick), Athelstan (George Blagden), and the two little monster Lothbrok children float away to safety on their boat. Sadly, the same can’t be said for their farm animals or their farm, which definitely is an ashen nightmare that definitely looks like that time I hit broil on bread and realized it way too late. Ragnar  doesn’t fair well at all in his fight against Earl’s goons and barely makes it out of the situation alive. The fact that he is still breathing is pretty surprising considering the massive wounds and the fact that he jumped off of a cliff. But you know, those Vikings had different diets back then, some of those fish and berries could have been magical – ah, who are we kidding, it’s the mead. They find safety within Floki’s abode, where the family nurses Ragnar to health while he grunts and sinks further into a sassy attitude.

Meanwhile, Earl secretly betroths his daughter Thyri (Elinor Crawly) to a Mall Santa Reject and in doing so ignites a silent war with his wife, Siggy (Jessalyn Gilsig). By the end of the episode, when the marriage vows have been said and the consummation has occurred – shudder – you can feel a major marital shift has occurred. Also throwing wrenches into the situation is Rollo (Clive Standen), who is looking to get into Earl Haraldson’s good graces to take the attention away from Ragnar. “Why’re you still looking for Ragnar? I totally promise that my brother is totally, completely dead. Like a doornail. No, deader than that. Super dead. How do I know? I’m his brother, it’s like…ESP or something! P.S. Can I work for you?” Earl doesn’t believe and proceeds to torture him via Glasgow smile. When word gets back to Ragnar, you can feel the shit rising in the room – it’s about to hit the fan. Brace thyselves, Vikings fans!

Holy hell, you had to use two paragraphs for that summary. Are you ill? Are you feeling okay? Do you need a hug?

Nope, beer in hand, I’m ready to conquer this mountain! Ragnar could use that hug, though.

My full review of ‘Vikings,’ Episode 6, ‘Burial of the Dead.’

A couple days ago, I wrote an open letter to Amanda Bynes, kindly imploring her to cease her train to crazy town and return to her potential to become a solid C-list sitcom actress (she didn’t listen, by the way. I really wish she had. Amanda, please recognize your problems and get help.). While typing it up, I listed a myriad and very abridged version of my childhood television vices, one of which was Are You Afraid of the Dark?. Tonight, after a glass (or two, or three, who’s counting? Are you counting? Stop that!) of wine, I am going to buckle down in my sweatpants, venture into YouTube, and revisit that shit. Depending on the tides, this may happen more than once.

In this very moment, we will revisit The Tale of the Mystical Mirror.

The Tale of the Mystical Mirror, huh? What do you think this one is going to be about?

Without even pressing play, my mind is rife with fairy tale imagery. There is going to be a pretty girl main character who finds a magical mirror that either predicts the future or answers Pretty Girl’s questions about the mirror, and by the end of the episode, someone will be eating a pig’s heart.

This show was made for kids, I’m not quite sure about that last part.

Don’t question me!

Anyway, we start off Tucker (Daniel DeSanto) roasting hotdogs in a fair isle sweater that would fetch a fortune on the vintage market in Portland, but his hotdog glee is seriously cramping the style of Midnight Society founder (and scarier, older brother) Gary (Ross Hull), who tells him to cut that shit out because they’re not picnicking out in the middle of the woods in the middle of the night, they’re being super serious story tellers. Tucker’s awkward thermal vest wearing friend who IMDB names “Stig” comes up and tells Gary to ~lighten up~, while squirting mustard everywhere because they apparently don’t teach Canadians to be in control of their condiments. Gary takes away their wieners and is subsequently called a killjoy; the others start filing in.

My full review of Are You Afraid of the Dark?, ‘The Tale of the Mystical Mirror.’

Happy belated Easter, if you celebrate it, and if you don’t, I hope your lap is still filled with the masticated carcasses of hollow and (nougat or cream or marshmallow or peanut butter or Ferrero Rocher heaven on earth) filled chocolate rabbits that came from pastel and metallic foil that crumble into delightful little balls of telltale gluttony. Though the holiday may be holy, there is no reason to ever ever skip out on post-holiday chocolate sales. Do you have your chocolate at the ready? Good. It’s Vikings time, so let’s do this.

Uh…okay, wow, you’re pretty excited about this. First, though, we should have a recap of last episode “Trial,”  because I hate being ill-prepared.

Well, alright. I guess I can do that. It’ll cramp my candy coma style, but I’m dedicated and like y’all, so this is what happened last time ‘round.

The Vikings re-raided England and bounty was had by all. Everything would have kept going according to plan – slaves would have been taken, gold would have been tucked away into rucksacks, braids would be re-plaited after the crazy victory – but that would have been boring. Really boring. Apparently, that’s not how the Vikings do it, because  being boring is boring and instead, Earl’s half-brother gets shanked by Lagertha (Katheryn Winnick) after he rapes a Saxon woman and tries to rape her as a post-coital ritual that only the truly creepy could enjoy. This is obviously a huge change from the mundane (maybe they should learn the difference between spicing things up and fucking up everything). When they return to their homeland, Ragnar (Travis Fimmel) takes the heat for the death and a trial before the Earl (Gabriel Byrne) is held. Rollo (Clive Standen) supposedly bribed by the Earl’s underaged daughter’s ladyparts and massive amounts of  gold, takes the stand against Ragnar but surprises everyone when he supports his brother and gets him out of the deepest shit. They’re all happy happy joy joy about Ragnar getting off the hook, but just like the Vikings don’t do boring, they also don’t do happy, and the end of the episode gave us the horrible, cruel, shank via hired Earl goons, death of Erik (Vladimir Kulich). Ragnar storms off to mourn and “prepare” himself for something vague but surely promising.

That seems like one rough freakin’ episode. What’s happening now?


Want to know? Read my full review of Vikings, episode 5, “Raid” here.

Another week, another Vikings recap. What happened in episode 3? The fresher in my mind it is, the better off we all will be.

Last episode, Ragnar (Travis Fimmel) adopted a slave named Athelstan (George Blagden) and introduced him to his family – it was his only take away from his very first raid, which means that they have a super strong emotional connection. Ulterior motives were involved, of course, because Ragnar, being the clever devil he is, realized that he could learn a lot about England from the monk and use it to conduct more bloody, horrendous raids. With this idea in mind, he drinks a lot of beer and formulates a plan of violent proportions. The next morning, he goes to Earl Haraldson (Gabriel Byrne) and requests a journey back to England to plunder and demolish villages the way Vikings do. Earl says that is a-okay with him, as long as one of his cronies can go along with Ragnar’s merry gaggle of men to England to make sure that he behaves. Oh, I guess “merry gaggle of men” isn’t totally accurate, because Ragnar is taking Lagertha (Katheryn Winnick) on another honeymoon where she’ll be able to pick out her own golden goblet from the bloody hands of murdered Saxons. Awww, so romantic!

We end on the beaches of England, where people were waiting for the Vikings. There is a misunderstanding and murder happens. How totally intriguing and surprising.

 And that’s where we left off?

Bingo! Remember how that guy rode off into the cold water sunset to tell his friends that “The Vikings are coming! The Vikings are coming!”..? Well, he alerted his friends. Saxon warriors then pant a lot and get ready for some serious bloodshed. Did you expect anything less? I’m pretty sure that all of the Vikings are stoked that they’re going to fight back. The last time they went to England it was like ~taking god-gold from a baby~ and I’m sure they missed the challenge.

My full review of ‘Vikings,’ Episode 4, ‘Trial’

Can you believe it has been an entire week since the last episode of Vikings? I can’t. Time seemed to slip away from me this week, like a boat upon the tumultuous waters of the ocean, with masts and sails made of wood that I wined and dined before brutally carving into a tool for my own success—

What are you even talking about?

Oh, sorry. I guess I was having flashbacks to last week’s episode. I was trying to be elegiac, don’t you see? Given, my week wasn’t exactly the embodiment of an awesome Viking ship and more along the lines of a leaking dinghy, but I was just trying to make myself feel better.

Sure, but we’re not here for your week, I’m here for the Monday Vikings review. So, what happened in episode two?

Episode two was when boat dreams took flight. Ragnar (Travis Fimmel) and his buddies hit the open sea, prayed to Njord for safe passage, and there was only one case of mutiny (from one person, who was then met with a knife to his neck). It was a pretty rough passage, tensions were high, and Floki’s (Gustaf Skarsgård) insane babble just about reduced everyone down to his mental state. Luckily, before everyone started alternately yelling at the top of their lungs and curling into a fetal position on the bottom of the boat, they struck gold! Gold, in the form of a Christian monastery in 8^th Century England. Though, if you think about it, in that point in history, monasteries were loaded. The monks were either killed or hogtied for future slave-making, and not the Britney Spears kind.

Isn’t that nice! Murder, slaves, pillaging… seems like a solid episode. What happened this week, though?

Click for my complete review of Vikings episode 3.