I’m not sure how someone found my blog by searching “daffodil norwegian sex” and I don’t want to know.

When I woke up this morning, I knew something was in the air. Have you ever had that feeling? You can feel it in your room and in your bones, something is about to change. After rolling out of bed, seeing a ghostly image in my eggs where the sunny sides up looked like two giant eyes and the egg whites formed a mouth agape (it looked like this :0, for those of you who have never experienced omens in your eggs), and adding milk to my normally black coffee, the feeling of abnormality could no longer be ignored. It took me a while to figure it out, but then it dawned on me. Today marks the end of an era, my readers. The finale of Vikings is upon us, which will plummet us into a drought of sweaty, beefy, beautiful Viking men and women killing and plundering in the name of power - until next year, of course, assuming that this finale doesn’t disappoint us into swearing off this show forever.

It’s been so good, though. There is no way that they’d drag us through the mud and cleat-stomp our dreams, right?

You clearly don’t know how television storylines work: when people are loving the direction a series is going, it’s apropos to completely destroy the beautiful thing you’ve got going. This episode, I’m just expecting Athelstan to shave his head and get an ugly skull tattoo or Lagertha to be killed by a rampaging Santa Claus seeking revenge. Or, maybe I’m just keeping low expectations to be pleasantly surprised and jazzed for the continuation of the series. Who can say?

I see your point. I prefer to be optimistic, though – people live longer when they’re happy.

Wrong, but keep living those dreams. Anyway, let’s get to the recap of episode 8, “Sacrifice.” After Ragnar (Travis Fimmel) is informed of the miscarriage of his child, he takes his family to the recurring nine year sacrificial fest in honor of the gods at the Uppsala shrine. He wasn’t going to bother showing up if it weren’t for the slight of his “next son” being taken from him, because who cares about Lagertha’s (Katheryn Winnick) feelings? Sacrificial animals and people in tow, Ragnar and co. head to the ceremonial site. During this time, Athelstan (George Blagden) starts having major hair- and lifestyle regrets – even if he keeps palming his cross, every time he asks “Are you there God? It’s me, Athelstan,”  the replies of “yeah, bro. Wassup?” get weaker and weaker. I hear mead’ll do that. Before all the bloodshed goes down, the Vikings are righteously boogieing down with orgies, alcohol, and hallucinogenic mushrooms, but before you know it, it’s time to gather around the butcher table and make the gods pay attention to the Vikings’ cries. Where’s Ragnar in all of this? When Ragnar isn’t chatting up Swedish kings, he’s lusting after other women, ruining his marriage, and throwing his best friend under the bus by means of a surprise nomination to be a sacrifice (I’m sure he’s as broken up about it as you are, Athelstan).

Don’t worry, though, Former Priest Fans! Because Athelstan hasn’t completely given his soul over to the Viking gods, he’s not seen as a worthy sacrifice to Odin. Unfortunately, Leif (Diarmaid Murtagh) offers himself as the replacement sacrifice and the episode ends with him hanging by his toes in some very disturbing blood draining ritual.

Wow, I forgot about how crazy fucked up that episode was. Why was Ragnar being such a jerk?

It’s been coming. You know when your misogynistic pig (does that mean it’s okay to call him a Babe? Ha…hahaha) of a brother is more likable than you are, you’ve got a problem.

To read the full review of the Vikings season one finale, click here.

Here’s the scoop: all week I’ve been farming like a comical sitcom city slicker farming for the first time and am now imbued with a growing feeling of sickness, culminating in my mom’s homeopathic immune boosting cocktail that has left me slightly woozy and with weirdly numb feet. I’m not necessarily using this as an excuse for my lame/unfunny jokes, but I’m just saying that it might have something to do with me typing this and feeling like I’m rocking on a Viking boat in stormy weather.

Huh, well, if we’re being honest, I wouldn’t want to be you right now.

I’ve always appreciated your support.

Let’s get a recap of last week, if my memory serves me right, it was nuts.

Your memory is right!

Last week, we’re introduced to the Northumberland nemeses of the Vikings in the form of King Aelle (Ivan Kaye) and his brother Lord Aethelwulf (IMDB has failed to post the actor’s name, but if you know who he is, let me know!), who are ready to wage total war against the unwelcomed Vikings. Ragnar (Travis Fimmel) and co., unwilling to just sit and let themselves die, sneak into Lord Aethelwulf’s camp during the night and destroys his ranks, leading to a kidnapping. What’s the bargaining chip worth, you ask? Two thousand pounds of silver and gold. Of course, since King Aelle isn’t about to roll over and just hand the money over, he sets up the trappiest trap to ever be a trap for the Vikings and it leads to a battle! With bloodshed! The Vikings win and in result for their unwillingness to hand over the cash, Ragnar kills Lord Aethelwulf and sends his body to the city gates like it ain’t no thang. He leaves for Scandinavia much, much richer than he left. And what about Lagertha (Katheryn Winnick) and the Lothbrok family back at home? Well, Siggy (Jessalyn Gilsig) ventured to Lagertha to ask for a maid position for her and her daughter and Lagertha grants it.If that’s not a major enough bit of action for you, Lagertha also has a miscarriage.

Oh, that’s right. Yeah, that was ridiculously depressing.

Yup. We start off with Ragnar telling Athelstan (George Blagden) that every nine years they travel to the temple at Uppsala to give thanks to the gods for all they’ve done for—WHAT THE HELL HAS HAPPENED TO ATHELSTAN’S HAIR?

Click hear to read about Athelstan’s ugly do’ and the rest of the episode.

Somewhere between drinking too much wine with my mom while watching Goonies and Overboard, thusly becoming very hungover and making the week seem like ninety days of “I’m never going to drink again—wait, it’s only Friday?”, some family-oriented festivities (Alles Gute Oma!), this is the week that never ends. It just goes on and on (my friends), and it has felt like a stone’s age since I’ve been able to sit down, watch Vikings, and recap it for your enjoyment. Ah, with my liver back in working order and the bags beneath my eyes gone, I can soundly say that it’s good to be back. Oh yeah, it’s good to be back. Do I want a drink? No, no… but thank you. Come back in a couple days, we’ll have a deal.

Are you done talking to yourself?

Yes.

Can we get on with the show?

….yes.

Let’s start with a recap of what happened last week, you’re not the only one who is booze-laden and filled with partial regrets.

Well, last week, things were shaken up like a soda can that wasn’t tapped on top before being opened. Tensions bubbled over into a sticky mess. Sticky with blood. Earl Haraldson (Gabriel Byrne) and Ragnar (Travis Fimmel) had it out, because it was quickly becoming clear that talking out their problems and differences wasn’t going to help them anymore. When a fight goes beyond the territory of being solved by having a heart to heart and then a manly hug, like a cherry on top of the good feelings sundae, that’s when you know it’s serious. Sure, they could try working on their A.B.S., but we know they won’t. So, they do what any redblooded men would do in such a situation: a fight to the death. Seriously! Earl Haraldson dies. A massive party breaks out and everyone is chanting “All Hail Earl Ragnar!” and people are hailing left, right, and center (except for in the back room, where Rollo [Clive Standen] is conspiring with Siggy [Jessalyn Gilsig], and if by “conspiring” you think “copulate,” you are a clever duck). Ragnar doesn’t even know how his day could get any better, and then Lagertha (Katheryn Winnick) announces that she’s pregnant. Right about now, Ragnar is in a state of Ice Cube-ism. We’re then shown England, where King Aelle (Ivan Kaye) is plotting the death of Ragnar – hey, man, let him have his moment.

And now we’re here?

You know it! It’s time, my friends.

Click here for the full review of ‘Vikings,’ Episode 7, ‘A King’s Ransom.’